when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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