Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
