just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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