I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
