I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
