I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
