you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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