Fuck appropriateness.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
