I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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