He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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