i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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