apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
