I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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