Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
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He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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