the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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