at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
fuck your aforementioned shoe
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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