I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When are your genitals available?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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