Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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