Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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