So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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