I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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