Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
