I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
