okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
