This is not my ceiling
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
