after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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