I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
