You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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