The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
