bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
