You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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