Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
