I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
