an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
