I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
