Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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