I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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