Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
