I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
