Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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