Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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