Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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