She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
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Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.