Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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