Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
