dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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