Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
