it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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