yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
