If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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