how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
