I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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