My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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