now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
